11/02/2009

What Woman Should I be?

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I don’t know about you, but for me and some people I know ☺
at this age most of my friends are married, some with kids…
It is a scary stage…
I remember when I was 18 years old I knew exactly when I would get married
I knew I had options…I still do ☺ because I am a freaking magnet! LOL!
But truly, I had my life mapped out. By 25 I knew I would be married.☹

Its strange because these days, the more I think of marriage the colder my feet gets
Of course there are many reasons why I feel that way.
I asked my friend the other day, what do men really want!?
I told him I would like to understand men, he said I shouldn’t…
Why?
I really just wanted to understand why a man has his wife at home, but he is out scouring a prey
I wanted to understand why a man can’t just go home, and safely indulge in the approved sin with the approved person

Anyway, here is the interesting part of our conversation. Warning: It is kinda vulgar. (Note: Name changed to protect identity)

Amina: Im tryna understand men
Dlo: don’t
Amina: I shouldn’t!!
Dlo: we can’t understand women either
Amina: Ah no o! Help me understand. If the thing catch you, you should be able to go and grab your wife na? Abi isn’t that the idea of marriage? The exclusivity?
Dlo: shebi u go soon marry?
Amina: ahhhhh! u don scare me finish
Dlo: dont b o..abeg men generally feel women change when they get married and start having kids..
Amina: change how? so that i make sure i don't change, pls tell me
Dlo: eh ehn..u go pay consultancy fee o
Amina: no wahala. i go pay
Dlo: You must arrange contract when you come
Amina: lol. no long thing
Dlo: Changes: and this is from discussions with my married friends...
1. y'all get comfortable
2...y'all take things 4 granted after marriage
3...no excitement except when it comes to shopping, what happened 2 d fun loving girl we married
Amina: lol
Dlo: 4...Sex starts becoming routine. Sometimes we men want good ole fashioned bread breaking fucking. lady in d streets, freak in d bed?
Amina: lol. omg
Dlo: Men need their wives to be consummate, motherly and whores...
Amina: oh snap! Lol ok keep going
Dlo: u guys just stop surprising especially after babies…Show interest in football. Offer to follow us to pub sometimes, even if we say no.
And always give us space… because we ain’t talking much don’t mean something is wrong u know?
Men are logical beings...most men. Our lives are pretty much organized and calculated...its very stressful for us when women mess up our routine one way or the other, especially when it makes no sense to us.
End of conversation...

Now, does this mean the problem is from women? Are we the problem?
Its possible.
I know I will be taking a lesson home from this.
My husband will not have any reason to go out, Amen
I will get a pole in my room ☺, if I have to
My husband won’t be left wanting...

Having all these information at our disposal should prepare us.
We should stop blaming men, and see what we can do.
Maybe the world will be a better place?
Its possible ☺

We should endeavor to be hot and on fire like this lady instead!Hehehe ☺

And things might change in our home! He might reduce the amount of time he spends outside the home, and move it inside. Be more exciting, and Spontaneous!

Thoughts?

~Amina J. Yakubu~

27 comments:

top
Grace said...

Why do the women have to be the on to do the work??? where is the man's role in this??? i think both should put in 100% men should work towards meeting a woman's needs, and women should work towards meeting their man's need. I believe marriage is a pertnership.

Tee :) said...

I've heard this over and over again that women change but I've also heard of guys who change. When the kids come, they start spending more time at work and complainin about expenses. is it that the children would not go to skool or they would not wear cloth? It's the everyday routine that makes things boring. Y do I have to ask him to go with him to the pub? Before we got married, were we not rocking all the clubs together and goin to the movies and all? Y can't he SAY "we are goin out tonite, go and wear ur cloth" (lol)He too should make an effort abeg. some guys marry just to get the whole marriage thing out of the way and ITS WRONG!

Yves said...

I once heard that you don't really know someone until you've LIVED with them for five years. Everybody changes, no need denying that.The important thing is to accommodate that change. Marriages shouldn't be built on looks and sex cuz all those things will pass sooner or later. Also Amina, why are you assuming that all men run around outside their home? That's like convicting someone of a crime they haven't committed yet. I won't run around

Janet said...

Lovely write up.......good concept...bt then...no more comments!!!

Kaduna Girl (Amina) said...

@ Grace & Tee: I think we should do what we can do and not wait on the guy because we think he should do his own part. We need to play our part regardless and not expect anything in return. When we play our part, we will be surprised at how things will dance to our beat.
@Yves: My darling, I know u wont run baby! lolz! but i agree, it takes a while for change...but u men sld not be doing the change outside the home...

Kaduna Girl (Amina) said...

@Janet: lol! why no comment? you should share lets get insights and learn :-)

gifode337 said...

With a pole in the room you would be married a long time now if you add some whips, chains, whipped cream ice box, K.Y , and no rubbers YOU WILL BE MARRIED FOR LIFE!!!!!

gifode337 said...

But on a more serious note the problem is the fact that people are getting married like its a routine or a must thing like oh my God im getting old i have to get married. i would rather marry an ex than a new girl you know why? well its all about compatibility, you gonna live with this person for the rest of your life and you think a year or two means you know em well enough?? no.... plus we gotta get married cause we crazily in love and not because he is established,cute,old enough,cool or im too old , its about time or my family is complaining. You gotta make sure he/she loves kids, you gotta make sure you can cope with each others negative sides cause if you cant you would never know what to do at the right time or the tough times when trials come forth... Do you know most women who hang on to a crumbling marriage most often have the best kids and those who feel divorce solves it all end up with their kids having a lot of issues? we are human and are bound to make mistakes but in marriage its the friendship part , the knowledge we have of each other the love and the trust that keeps it together through thick and thin....For me i love kids and as far as marriage is concerned hmmmmm............ still waiting on an angel{Not Human}

Kaduna Girl (Amina) said...

Oh Greg! U really brought some good insight to this. A lot of times we forget what marriage is about and eagerly rush into it for the wrong reasons. thanks for bringing us back to thinking straight. I like I like. and I will be sure to get that pole! HE AINT GOING NO WHERE! HEHEHEHEHE!

Myne Whitman said...

I'm still learning but I think gifode made a lot of sense.

Nice blog, will add you. Check out my page too.

Bomi said...

Amina!!! Very funny post. LOL@ "the approved sin with the approved person" lol...

Thanks for the laugh:)

Kaduna Girl (Amina) said...

Thanks for the add Myne! i am following u now! Yea its funny that Gifode cld actually make sense in this issue! :-) Ooops! lol!

Bomi im glad u got a good laff! I will try to keep it up :-)

Anonymous said...

I know guys need to also be conscious of the needs of a women. But I'll offer a few things about guys since you asked.

1. First misconception about guys: a girl or wife telling a guy/husband that she loves him doesn't mean anything that much to him at all. Remember that "Husbands love your wives, wives respect your husband"

2. Guys by nature are competitive, and they like to work, they like to lead, they thrive on achievements and thus achieve their respect and fame. This was actually innately given to them by God. Remember that when God created Adam he give him a job and assignment before creating Eve to help him out. In light of that competitive spirit and work drive is exhibited in so many things. So when a man is so consumed in sports, please understand. Here's an advice for you, learn the sport and see it as an opportunity to enjoy that moment with him during a game.

3. Here's something to ponder over. Men need their space (women don't joke about this), however they DON"T want to be alone. Recall that God said, it was NOT good for the man to be ALONE. So find ways of letting your man not be alone, yet give him space. So the pole ain't a bad idea :)

4. Guys by nature are attracted to things via their eyes, while women though they're also attracted to things via their eyes (but not as much as guys), no matter how horrible that thing is, they can beautify it, they can creatively and nicely bring it to life. So what am I saying? Whether you're married or not, keep working on keeping yourself always SIMPLY attractive, avoid burping, farting, wearing dirty underwear etc. Keep a clean home (please note that I'm not saying the woman's responsibility is to stay home and keep the house clean. As a matter of fact it's a dual role).

Again because men are usually attracted to things via their eyes, it's not unusual for a guy to see a fine women and then gave at her for a while. No wonder JOb said to God that he's pledge not to sin again God with his eyes. Girl, this is a fact. The guys won't care that much about the personality of the women. So far as she's hot and fine and can shake it like a prostitute, he's good. (How stupid we are, when the bible even tells us that charm is fleeting, beauty is deceptive.)

Please trust me, in as much as you will not like your husband to bother you too much with sex, please don't always hold it away from him. Give him so moves, make it wild, make it crazy for him. The reason why I say you should spice it is because, more often than not, men need that immediate satisfaction when it comes to sex. And so sometimes when they get on the lady, it may seem like sometimes they're taking advantage of the lady since they want to be quite to reach that orgasm (they're planning in their brain all the sorts of moves to make). One make think of this as some form of rape.

Spicing it up will lengthen the period of sex and make it more exciting. Trust me, hey make not even ponder about what moves to make on your cos you've already given him the moves.

5. Very important. Proverbs 3.3 implies that women have the capability of ruining kings. For the sake of an argument consider a man a king. Lady's do all you can in your power to not let him astray and be ruined by women. Study him, know him, find out what makes him happy, what drives him, give him space, peace, time, don't nag, don't complain too much, share the same passion as his (this is very important, even if you don't have that learn and share that same passion) make your need clear sometimes, don't always expect a man to know your need.

---i'll be anonymous, cos you'll be surprised if you know who i am

Anonymous said...

One last thing from anonymous with regards to the first item. Lady's men NEED respect. I'm very very serious about this. If a man loses respect from his woman, that's it for the woman. By respect, not only having the woman respect the man, but then help make the man respectable in public be it in the woman's presence or not. Remember behind every successful man, there's a woman. The man needs the woman, (remember the woman was created as a helper) to help him gain that success and respect..... more later..heheh and sorry for the huge grammatical mistakes

Mii said...

Wow, learnt alot.

Kaduna Girl (Amina) said...

Mehnnnn me to o! I learnt a lot also from Mr. Anonymous! Wow! I'm like gonna frame it up and ponder! But pls! Make urself known :) plsssss!!! Thnks much for d tips!

Anonymous said...

More from Anonymous... Once again like I said, men have a lot to learn about women, but I'll save that for a latter date..

Diva, here's something that may be controversial, but very important so please ponder over it for a while. Allah first made man, and then gave man a job to do and then He realize it was not good for man to be alone so he created woman to help. It seems to me that the reason for the creation of woman was to be a helper to man. Now who's a helper, one that comes to help.So for the sake of an argument, if I'm coming to help you, I should have all the tools, qualifications necessary to help you right? Check this out, I strongly believe every woman on earth was brought into this world fully set with all the capabilities to at least support her man. That's why (and I in no mean to be derogatory) when you give a woman a sperm she makes a baby, when you give here a house she makes a home, when you give her trouble, she'll give you calamity.hehehe Recall that Allah first tried creating so many things (animals) as helpers, but man wasn't satisfied. Finally he pulled woman out of man and then BAM!!! So you wonderful sisters are very powerful. Yall don't know! Allah shaped you perfectly, beautified you to perfection. Yall are incredibly HOT!!! I look at you and I say to myself, Allah you did well. I mean why didn't Allah create another man to be a helper? That's why if you're gay and lesbian and you're reading about this, CHANGE!!!

So here's something you should probably think about before you find THE man. It's very important that you find the man who knows exactly what job Allah has bestowed on him, because the Job came before the woman. And make sure your passion and goals in life are similar to the man's, cos BAM!! you have a perfect companionship where you each exactly are heading toward the job that Allah has given both of you.

If you're a man and reading about this, don't be stupid and think because Allah created you first and woman was created to help then you're better than woman!!! Or don't be stupid to think because Allah made you the head of the house that means you're better than a woman and so the woman falls under your authority. If you're thinking this way trust me you'll committing your own suicide and be nearing toward a divorce from your wife!!

Everyone want's to be first! SHIT!!! Personally if I had it my own way, I'd rather have the woman first! The fact that Allah created you first in no way imply that you're at all better than her! The fact that he put you the head of the family does not mean you're better or you have the right to exercise any authority over her and your family. NOTE!!! Women, account to ALLAH!!! Not you man!! So keep in mind that the woman that God has brought into your life is there to save you, there to help you, there to keep you sane, there to support you, there to guide you, there shut you up when you're being very very stupid.

How can you have such a wonderful created woman next to you then you go off to another woman's arm. YOU ARE VERY VERY FOOLISH!!!..

You know something funny and stupid about we men.... hehehee i'm gradually shifting into insulting man.. so I'll quit. But yall ladies especially to the feminists out there ponder over what i just said....

I'll be back, please feel free to ask some more questions about guys, cos I think this is a healthy discussion that sometimes religious gatherings fail to address. No wonder we have these same sex marriages which if America continues in this, trust me, America will..... hehehe..

Kaduna Girl (Amina) said...

Now I know u r Muslim! So i think I hv a good idea who this is! lol! ok let me go back and ponder...i will be back :-)

Kaduna Girl (Amina) said...

Lol! American will …hehehe! That’s classice! My favorite line out of MANY!!! “How can you have such a wonderful created woman next to you then you go off to another woman's arm. YOU ARE VERY VERY FOOLISH!!!” pls kindly go ahead and help us women insult or shake off these men!!!!! Lol!

You have pretty much covered the bases, and unfortunately I am not a feminist because I happen to agree with what you said. God in his infinte mercies created each and every one of us in a special way. He made the man the provider, and the woman the helper. But that also doesn’t meant the woman should be a housewife! In the bible, if you can read Proverbs 31. It talks about a virtuous woman, talks about what every woman’s role should be in the household a rough summary of it is that in addition to making sure and being confident that she has control of the stability of the household, she is also involved in businesses, she takes initiative to use her own money for the betterment of the household, etc.

A lot of times feminist see it as being housewives and not being independent, or whatever they see sha (you get the point), it shouldn’t be seen that way.

A man needs his wife to be dependent on him. It is very important for a man to feel important. This might have nothing to do with self-esteem, but most times it could be. But men are naturally wired that way, because they are leaders of the household.

Ephesians 5:22-24 said, "Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything"

ALSO, Ephesians 5:25-28 said, "Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave him himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with the water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkles or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself."

I personally believe in women being submissive. I have seeing this act play in my family. My mother is the most submissive woman I have seen! Sometimes I look at my folks and am like “God please grant me such patience”! lol! It is incredible how far her submission has taken her and the family. She controls the decisions that are made, just by being submissive. My only prayer is for God to grant a lot of “Modern” day women this kind of patience and knowledge to be submissive.

I feel like I just wrote a book!!! ☺

Anonymous said...

Diva, you rock... hehehehe... actually I honestly didn't even think you were a feminist.... i was only referring to any feminist who might be reading your blog.... but why do you said "unfortunately I'm not a feminist".... hehehe.. I think it's fortunate not to be a feminist.... I'm glad momsie has lived such an example to emulate. Praise Allah for mothers...

oh oh oh diva, i'm not muslim sha!!
Remember Allah was used by arabs for God long before islam came into being.... same God, but different interpretation or different ways of people viewing Him. hehehehehe....

and certainly you wrote a book... you should right one though, what do you think?

Kaduna Girl (Amina) said...

No o! no books yet :-) But I still think I know who u r!!! :-)

Anonymous said...

who am I? :)

Oihoma said...

Her Royal Divaness,
It always amazes me how we human beings never run out of things to say about our sexuality. This points me to an inalienable and fundamental truth: that we human beings are sexual beings. It is not ALL that we are, but it is definitely a part that is intricately woven to the core of our existence. Let me set the precedent by saying I am a Christian, and my worldview and thoughts will be heavily shaped by my faith and belief. So I'ma hit it from the top, and go back to my faith's creation story. "God created humanity in his image, in the image of God he created them. Male and female he created them." God is the designer of pleasurable organs, and hormones...the Token Poet of sex drive and libido...and when he was done creating, he looked at it and said, "Mmm-Mmm-Mmm...Itz all good." Well, I paraphrase, but you get the point. There is no doubt that currently, the created goodness of our sexuality, and comprehensively, our whole world is broken, and not the way it's supposed to be. But it is nonetheless in repair.
Anyway, the brokenness has so effaced the way we experience sexuality. Dominion, which is characterized by mutuality, selflessness, care and respect has been subbed for manipulation and domination, truncating our views of ourselves as image bearers of Allah {insert thanks to Anonymous for the history lesson here ;)}.
So Dlo says that men want ladies in the streets and freaks in the bed. No doubt, there is so much room for playful exploration and passionate love...in bed (yeah, fortune-cookie-message that!)But as a created, sexual being, I will take a few steps back and say that to to view marital sex as only aesthetically pleasurable misses the point. Sometimes the sex may be more like selfless duty to your spouse, than a way of just fulfilling need for pleasure. I mean, that's why it's best to have sex where there is the covenant, committed, matrix of love that we call marriage, right?

Oihoma said...

Diva, two thumbs up to you for thinking ahead, and I commend you for your selflessness! A pole?!! LOL...Nice one. But let me spit some venomous truth...if you are willing to share your most "scandalous" Victorian Secrets to your man, then he must also be willing to let you taste the Fruit of His Loom (wait...nobody steal this line.I might use it again, and I have my trademark on it). But let me hit up Anonymous' comments about wives and husbands. There is no doubt, that Paul highlights Christ in his Ephesians passages. But I think he does so on both ends, highlighting Christ's Agapic and Unconditional love, but also highlighting his perfect submission and humility. Don't know about you, but, when I read this, for me, I don't see Paul saying, husbands, love your wives, but leave most of the submission to them. Or, wives, holler at the submission, but love only 30%. I read Paul calling both wives and husbands to image Christ in mutual loving and submission.
And while we're still on the keeping things as complete wholes, there is also talk in Galatians about the FRUIT of the Spirit. I have never read any translation that separates them as fruits. I think in conversations like this, we easily fall susceptible to needless categorization of gifts for men,and gifts for women. "Well...let's all fight for love, joy, and goodness. Men, work on self control and faithfulness. Women, hit up the gentleness, peace, kindness, patience." This I believe is very dangerous, and feeds into the problems we have with not just sexuality and marriage, but even just relationships. I mean, if men are "competitive" by nature, then there is no room for them to be gentle or patient, right? Unless we all strive for the complete package, (both men and women) we will continue to have issues as to "What defines a man, and what defines a woman." I don't see anything wrong with a man being tender. Again, hitting up Jesus as exemplar extraordinaire, he was the epitome of compassion, gentleness, and kindness, but also never failed to put people on game when they thought too highly of themselves.
All my sisters, I celebrate your unrestrained beauty. Thank you Amina for the pic at the end of the post... I promise I will look to only appreciate beauty ;) Sisters, celebrate your pricelessness, because you are jewels in God's Crown. Choose the high road for yourselves...and your men. If marriage is for you, then run away from perfect men, cause they don't exist. Instead, search for men who are complete. If your man isn't completely perfect, it's OK...love him if he is perfectly complete.
Anyway, this post is getting too long...
PS I think I have an idea on the secret identity of 'Anonymous'

Anonymous said...

@Oihoma,hahahhaha..on point my friend... I think you and I are on the same page about wives and husbands and you have raised some wonderful points I also give you two thumbs up.

I don't mean to start a debate but I think you may have misunderstood me a little. For me, just the statement "Husbands love your wives, wives respect your husband" in no way imply that wives should respect/submit, but love just a fraction. Or, husband love but submit to their wives just a fraction. Also remember I just took portions of those verses from the bible without putting things in context (my bad). I was only stating a mere fact about guys that for a girl to tell him that she love's him yet does not afford him any respect, means nothing to the guy. Just like a guy saying to a girl I love you, and yet emotionally oppresses her does not mean anything to the girl.
Like I mentioned in my earlier comments, for example, a man who thinks he's the boss over his wife based on some verses in the bible is a stupid fool because he don't got it right!!! (hehehe)

Also again for me, being "competitive" in no way imply that one cannot be gentle or kind. I for one know a number of religious and nonreligious men who are competitive for example in their jobs, not because they want to outdo someone, but because they know the reason for which they exist and have a goal to achieve it. And they are very very gentle and kind. Would you consider the current president of the US competitive, yet doesn't have any room for gentleness and patience?

I do agree with you that some categorization are not good and we have to be careful and strive for the "complete package." But in order to get the complete package, in the context of marriage it is very important to know the difference between a man and a woman and how Allah created them.

I for one from one of my irreligious views believe that one of the many reasons why we have difficulties in marriage/relationships is because we fail to know not only the difference between a man and women, but the difference between us and our respective partners.

In my opinion if one wants to build (not have because in marriage it is build) a relationship with another, then not only must one invest, but one has to factor completely everything needed to make the construct of marriage strong and unshakable. So that certainly calls for men and women understanding precisely who they are and how they've been created.

I don't mean to beat this to death, but just as a mere example, there's no way one can follow Allah without at least have some idea of makeup. No wonder we have several religions like mine all wit different views of who Allah is.

And one last thing: You hit the nail right on the head by saying that "run away from perfect men, cause they don't exist?" If knew you, I would have bought you a chevy malibu.

Kaduna Girl (Amina) said...

A Chevy Malibu!!! lol! I know Oihoma, so u can still buy it and I get it to him! haha!
You guys have really done well giving your lovely opinion on this topic. it definitely help explain a lot.

I still believe women sld focus on being submissive! it just make everything easier! Im not saying be a slave, but me submissive. men demand that respect, and the moment women start to do that, there will be peace. The man wont hv a choice but to love her even more.

And it is true, if we think we want a "perfect man" then we are not ready!

You guys made me laff reading ur comments! you awesome!

Talatu said...

Am impressed,whoever annoynimous is...u've done well.u said it all...thumbs up

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